Our Little Starfish

I sat down to write this evening planning on sharing our recent stress over a worrisome hearing exam which told us he has moderate amounts of fluid in his middle ear possibly putting him at risk for significant hearing loss.  Both Mike and I went into our well-oiled emergency mode of contacting several pediatricians, our ENT, the adoption agency etc. to accurately decipher the meaning behind these test results (thankful to discover that with tubes, normal hearing will most-likely be restored and all is well).  However, after an interesting discussion I had today, I decided to switch direction...

Throughout this 2 year long adoption process we have encountered a variety of reactions to our news of adoption.  We have heard comments such as:
"That's wonderful!"
"We think you're nuts.  You're great parents and he's a lucky child, but you're nuts."
"Why would you want to do that?"
"Oh.  Interesting."
"You are so busy, are you sure you have the time to devote to another child?"
"How will this adoption affect Owen?"
"How FANTASTIC!  I've always wanted to adopt but never actually got the ball rolling."
"What a lucky little boy!"

Today I was sharing our news with someone I had just met and this person asked "Pardon me for being so bold, but may I ask how you came to the decision to adopt?"  This person was not being rude at all, and was simply curious.  I was happy to share our reasons for adopting and what led us to this point. This person's response at first was to say "I understand why people adopt if they cannot have children of their own but I do not understand why people adopt if they already have children of their own."  I neglected to point out that our new son, though adopted, will be as much "our own" as our other 3 children and decided to share Mike's take on people's reactions to our adoption.  Many times, I have returned home anywhere between elated and in tears to share with him a recent response to our adoption news.  Mike (who is very Zen on this topic) has often replied with the following (which we both firmly believe to be true):

"People's reactions to our adoption are directly related to what THEY can handle and what THEIR experiences have been in childhood, relationships, child bearing etc. and not what WE can handle or OUR experiences.  The person who reacts with "why would you want to do that" is someone who would never consider adoption in their life.  Obviously, hearing their reaction to our news of adoption may sting if it is a negative one, but it doesn't mean that what we're doing is crazy or wrong.  It just means it isn't the right thing for them and that's fine."

This blog entry today is not just a venting one, in fact it is quite the opposite.  This discussion with this person I had today ended on a very sweet note when this person shared this starfish story with me (one I had not heard before):

Starfish Story

Two men were walking down the beach and saw tons of starfish washed upon the shore.  It was clear that in the hot sun, the starfish would not live long without the water.  They were drying out rapidly.  One of the men bent down occasionally and began to throw some back into the water.  The other man stopped him and said "What are you doing?  There are so many of them, you're wasting your time.  More will wash up on the shore each minute, it doesn't matter."  The first man stopped and looked at the other while holding up the starfish he had just picked up and said "It matters to this one!" as he threw it back into the water.

At first I thought I was talking to a person who, once again, didn't "get it" and then this starfish story came out of left field, proving me wrong.  This person certainly did understand why we were adopting, it just wasn't something this person would choose to do - and that's OK.

I love the starfish story and plan to share it with ShiYang one day when I tell him about the wonderful, stressful, enlightening, nerve-wracking moment in our life when we flew to China to bring our little starfish home.


Taken March 1, 2010
(yes he's a boy - just a boy in a pink sweater)